Kuchi ni dasanai nozomi
by Shuurei
Summary: Amidst the sorrow and pain Hakkai felt after Kana’s death he still was able to love his cotraveler. But the man doesn’t love him back or does he?
1. Ugokanai Ai

** Kuchi ni dasanai nozomi [unsaid wish] **

Disclaimer: Characters belong to the great Minekura-sama. I just borrowed them without permission. ^^| 

Warning: Seinin-ai and OOC. _Read at your own risk _

Note: This is my first posted Saiyuki fic so be gentle with your criticisms. 

Dozo... Otanoshimi   
  


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** Chapter 1 : Ugokanai Ai **

Gojyo and Hakkai were sitting on the jeep mode Hakuryuu waiting for their other two companions. Sanzo was still inside the inn paying for their overnight stay while Goku was doing an errand for Sanzo, to be more specific buying cigarette for Sanzo.  
  
"Oi, How are you doing?" Gojyo asked with a cigarette between his teeth.   
Hakkai's lips thinned to a ghostly smile then placed his forehead on the steering wheel. He knew what Gojyo was really asking.   
  
"A love that can't be attained"   
  
Gojyo snickered. "Oi, You can only say that after you tried" he said after he took a long drag of his cigarette.   
  
Hakkai sighed again and leaned backward so his face was directly towards the cloudless blue sky. "What a fine weather, isn't it?". Hakkai heard a curse came forth from Gojyo's lips before he said dryly "Evasive aren't you?"   
  
The brown-haired demon stretched his hand palm up towards the sun blocking the beams of sunlight hurting his eyes. He watched as beams of sunlight spilled through the space between his fingers and into his face. His voice was filled with defeat and sadness as he muttered "Even if I'll try it would still be an unattainable love. It's vexing to know that but still I hope…". Then he closed his hand as if plucking the bright sun from the blue sky "That one day such love will be attainable". He brought his clenched hand down at the same time sitting erectly. He watched as he slowly opened his hand "I will live hoping and waiting for that day".   
  
Gojyo chuckled as he watched Hakkai's hand then he placed his hand over Hakkai's in a sympathetic manner "Who knows that day is just near or it is just tomorrow".  
  
Hakkai in reply smiled at him. "Wish its you that I love" he stated quietly.   
Gojyo smiled "I guess we're just meant to be friend. But if you want I can give you what you want" he added flirtatiously.   
"I wonder what are we meant to be?…"   
  
That question hang between them, unable to continue the conversation because Goku was already within earshot.  
  


The conversations happened this morning and now under the shade of a fig tree they'd just eaten lunch very late. A curled Hakuryuu was sleeping peacefully between two big roots. A smoking Gojyo was sprawled on the ground in an artless sophistication while Goku was STILL eating.   
"I'll be back" was all Hakkai said before he stood up and treaded the path that was treaded by a particular person just few minutes ago. 

Hakkai remembered what his friend told him two nights ago.   
  
**~ FLASHBACK ~**_  
  
If you're content by loving him in silence then fine. Just do whatever you want. I'll respect your decision even if it pains me" Gojyo told him sincerely._  
  
**~ END OF FLASHBACK ~**  
  
What he's about to do is his decision. At least he won't regret anything when he'll die whenever that happens.  
  
"Sanzo, can we talk?" Hakkai asked the man sitting on the big rock, smoking and staring into space. He watched as Sanzo stubbed his cigarette on the rock's surface, tossed it to the ground and lit another cigarette. Today was one of those days when Sanzo was in a bad mood for no reason at all or so that's what they thought.  
  
Silence between them stretched which made Hakkai nervous. Finally Sanzo looked at him expectantly and Hakkai took it as permission. He walked forward and stood in front of the monk. The second he was standing in front of Sanzo, his throat became dry as cotton. Where did his carefully prepared speech go? He wondered nervously. The green-eyed demon could make out the irritation crossing on Sanzo's face when he didn't start talking. Hakkai's lips thinned to a nervous smile.   
  
"Sanzo" he started then inhaled deeply "with everything I have I love you. Always". 

**~~ Tsuzuku ~~**

Author's notes: Etou... I hope you like the first part because there are 2 more parts coming. 


	2. Todokanai Yume

** Kuchi ni dasanai nozomi [unsaid wish] **

Disclaimer: Characters belong to the great Minekura-sama. I just borrowed them without permission. ^^| 

Warning: Seinin-ai and OOC. Long dialogs.  
  


For those who gave reviews Domo Arigatou Gozamashita...   


Dozo... Otanoshimi   
  


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** Chapter 2 : Todokanai Yume **

_ "Sanzo" he started then inhaled deeply "with everything I have I love you. Always"._  
  
  


The Blondie looked at him with his usual cynical face as if Hakkai didn't say anything surprising at all, then the monk took a long drag of his cigarette almost pretending that Hakkai wasn't there. He watched as Hakkai smiled his usual smile that made the world believe that everything was all right and that he wasn't suffering at all. That's one of those things that he admired about Hakkai.   
  


Hakkai turned around and slowly retraced his steps. What did it matter if he must be hurt when all this beauty was out of his reach, refused to him, as Sanzo Genjo must be? He heard Sanzo's calm voice calling to him. He stopped but didn't turn around to look at Sanzo nor did he look over his shoulder to look at him. Then came the painful words in a cold voice "I have and will never love you".   
  


Hakkai closed his eyes to stop the tears threatening to spill and inserted his hands in his pockets to hide its trembling. "I know but I just want you to know so I'd die happily" he said in an awfully strained voice. He opened his eyes and resumed walking casually as if he wasn't rejected. Few seconds ago he wished Sanzo would talk or give some reactions and now that he did, Hakkai wished Sanzo just remained silent. Like what he said, what did it matter to him if Sanzo is denied to him? Sanzo will always remain as his unreachable dream.  
  


The second Sanzo returned to their camp, Gojyo could sense a tensed silence between the monk and his friend. And as they traveled the rest of kilometers towards a town Gojyo carried the greatest share of the conversational burden followed by Goku. But Gojyo had to do it anyway because he was afraid that the tense silence between the two would eat all of them alive. As for Goku he didn't know what was in the air but he knew he didn't like the silence that he felt.   
  


Hakkai was sitting on the back porch of the lodge they were staying that night while his three companions were probably sleeping their rooms. He was staring at luscious stars decorating the cloudless sky and the bright full moon with its light standing out from the stars. Tonight was serene but Hakkai knew it was a serenity that precedes a violent rain. The wooden floor creaked under the pressure of the feet making Hakkai aware that somebody was walking towards him.   
  


"What are you doing here? You should sleep Hakkai or don't you like the idea of us sharing the room?" Sanzo said as he sat quite faraway from Hakkai. Seconds later Hakkai can smell the nicotine-flavored smoke and could make out a smoke in the darkness.   
  


Hakkai smiled at him. "I'm fine with the arrangement Sanzo. The heavenly bodies just beckoned me outside to admire their beauty just as I always do when Kana was still alive"   
  


How the hell is he going to reply to that statement? Sanzo demanded mentally. He always had difficulty in giving a reply when Hakkai started talking about his beloved and dead Kana. He flinched inwardly as if his heart was given a deep cut and then was soak in a bowl of vinegar. Why the sudden heartache?  
  


"San.zo… can I ask you a question?"  
"As long as its not stupid" Sanzo grunted.  
"Who are you living for?"  
  
**_ Silence... _**   
  


"Chi~ That's a stupid question"   
  


"I used to live for myself and then I met Kana. She was quiet annoying at first. She wanted to break the wall I carefully built around me. She successfully did and I realized then that I wanted to give my heart to a person and I wanted her to be that person". Hakkai said with sorrow, sadness and loneliness evident in his voice.   
  
**_ Silence again... _**   
  


Sanzo grunted before saying "I used to live for my master too but when he died I realize that my hands were already full of taking care of myself. I live and will live for myself and I'll die for myself also."   
  
**_ Another silence _**   
  


"I lived for her and I would have died for her also. I could have shared with her the pain and shame she'll go through when we returned to the village. It hurts to know that I couldn't save her twice but what hurts me most is that she left me all alone in this world. I cannot be me without her. I sacrificed everything even my humanity but still…"   
  


Sanzo noticed that just like Gojyo and him, Hakkai was chained to an inescapable and irreversible past but the past's grip on Hakkai was tighter compared to theirs.   
  


"There's nothing you can do but go on with all those woulds, ifs, coulds and shoulds of yours even if you are alone."  
Hakkai sighed in acceptance "Thank you for listening Sanzo." Then he stood up " I better sleep now. Drivers cannot sleep while traveling unlike the passengers" he said amusingly.  
  


Sanzo was left alone and then he stubbed his cigarette in frustration. 'Look at me Hakkai… Look into me and see my true emotions. Your Kana is dead but I am still alive. Alive and warm!' those were the words he wanted to scream at Hakkai.  
  


**~ FLASHBACK ~**

Komyo was standing at the gateway of the temple looking happily at the couple - who visited him- descending their way to the long flight of stairs of the temple. At his right side standing two paces behind him as a sign of respect was Koryu.   
"It is very often for people to find true love Koryu. If you find it then flaunt it." Then he looked at his favorite disciple with a smile on his face "Grow up and be strong Koryu so you'll know the true meaning of loving and being loved"  
  
**~ END OF FLASHBACK ~ **   
  


How could he flaunt it? Sanzo wondered. Flaunting it was like offering Hakkai to all the demons bent in destroying Sanzo Genjo. Kill Hakkai and you've delivered Sanzo the greatest blow.   
  


By dawn, rain started pouring down unceasingly. And much to the irritation of Sanzo and Hakkai the rain was still pouring down by morning preventing them from moving to the next town. They had no choice but to stay inside the lodge as the rain poured all day long and they have to stay there until the rain would stop.  
  


Before midnight the rain had stop and minutes later as the clock stroke midnight Hakkai woke up for no reason at all. He placed his palm on his forehead as he realized what day today was. For few seconds he curled in a fetal position as his heart started beating in a beat that says 'Kana Kana Kana Kana Kana'. He felt like the walls started closing in on him and his breathing became shallow and quick. Darkness swirled around him and he felt so damned hot and he started sweating. In one silent and quick fluid motion he flung his blanket and went towards the window to open it.  
  


Hakkai closed his eyes as cold wind rushed inside and refreshed his face. His sweat drying quickly.   
  


Sanzo wasn't a heavy sleeper. He was awakened as soon as Hakkai flung his blanket. His body shivered involuntarily as the cold wind rushed inside and his hands immediately tightened its hold the blanket.  
  


Hakkai looked outside although his right vision was blurry. Raindrops were hanging by the tip of the leaves, replacing those that have fallen to the small pools of water gathered beneath the leaves. And those fallen drops created ripples as they touched the water surface. Clouds still covered the bleak sky making it more bleak.   
"Kana gomen" he whispered. Kana do you hate me for not saving you as much as I hate you for leaving me alone in this world or do you hate me more? He wondered. Are you mad at me just as I am mad at you for the same reasons? Hakkai clenched his fists as the same time another raindrop caused another ripple.  
  


Sanzo silently get out from the bed as he realized that minutes had gone by and still Hakkai was standing. He stood five steps behind the green-eyed demon. Sleepiness was now gone replaced by something Sanzo don't want to name. He noticed that Hakkai's shoulders were shaking and he then realized that Hakkai had been quietly sobbing out of anguish all along. Hakkai must have felt his presence behind because he started talking almost in a whisper but Sanzo could hear him clearly.  
  


"Your way of living… I can't accept it"  
"huh?" Sanzo was the human epitome of surprise and confusion.  
"I tried to be like you… tried to live like you. Tried to live for myself but no matter how hard I tried I still can't" Hakkai covered his face with his hand and slightly leaned forward. "Now that I've known the feeling of having someone by my side I refuse to go back to what I was before I met her. I refuse to be alone. I wanted her back… and if I can't, then please let me have an eternal sleep…"  
  


All façades and pretensions were shed and at that particular moment Sanzo was no longer the cynical man… no longer Sanzo Genjo… no longer a monk or Koryu the river drifter. Sanzo breached the distance between them as he wrapped his arms around the crying Hakkai.   
  
"Hakkai" he whispered soothingly and Hakkai accepted what Sanzo offered voluntarily.   
  


Sanzo held Hakkai tight as sobs rocked his body. Hakkai raised his hands to grasp Sanzo's shirt but since he was wearing a spandex Hakkai grabbed nothing. And so the brown-haired demon settled in laying his hands against Sanzo's chest.  
  


And when Hakkai had finished crying his heart out, Sanzo led him to bed and carefully tucked him. Then he sat on the bedside and braced his hands on both sides of Hakkai. He said the only thing that came to his mind "Shh… don't cry too much. You're a big boy now". And before he can stopped himself, he pressed a gentle kiss against Hakkai's forehead that surprised the latter. And when the kiss was registered on Sanzo's mind, the monk jerked backward as if he had been scorched.   
  
"Arigatou Sanzo" Hakkai whispered before regret would cross the monk's face.  
  


**~~ Tsuzuku ~~**

Author's notes: You guys must be wondering why Sanzo and Hakkai talked that night as if nothing happened. Well you see... even though Sanzo hurt Hakkai, the monk still wanted them to be in talking terms. Hakkai on the other hand, if Sanzo can't be his significant other then he's content with the friendship the monk is giving him. At least he had that than nothing at all, ne? 


	3. Yume ni mo omou wa nai

** Kuchi ni dasanai nozomi [unsaid wish] **

Disclaimer: Characters belong to the great Minekura-sama. I just borrowed them without permission. ^^| 

Warning: Seinin-ai and OOC. _Read at your own risk _

Thank you for the reviews. For those who think it was 58, gomenasai. I didn't mention the pairing in the summary so I could lure you in. hehehehehe... gomenasai for such trick. ^_^ 

Dozo... Otanoshimi   
  


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** Chapter 3 : Yume ni mo omou wa nai **

Hakkai became aware of his surroundings first before he became fully awake. And from the carefully muted noise he knew Sanzo was up. He sat up and squinted his eyes. Sunbeams have spilled into the room and the brightness was hurting his eyes especially that his eyes were swollen because of trying too much last night.  
"Good morning" he murmured groggily.   
Sanzo just grunted in reply, then without looking at the demon he said "breakfast".   
Is it just him or is Sanzo really avoiding his gaze? Hakkai sighed and then heavily trudged his way towards the bathroom.  
  


Goku looked up from his plate as he felt Hakkai's presence. "Morning" he greeted cheerfully with his mouth almost full then he returned his gaze to his plate and then something hit him. He looked again at Hakkai. Between returning his attention back to the food and looking at Hakkai again, he noticed that Gojyo stole one of his shomai. Surprisingly he didn't mind it as he stared at Hakkai worriedly.  
"Hakkai what happened to your beautiful eyes?"  
  


Hakkai smiled. Goku had always like his eyes and the boy admitted it on their first meeting after the younger boy prevented him from giving his right eye to the relative of 100-eyed demon.  
  


"I had a very bad nightmare" Hakkai lied neatly as he sat beside Goku on their round table. He then replaced the shomai stolen by Gojyo with his own share. Goku smiled gratefully at Hakkai before sticking his tongue out to the red-haired demon. In retaliation Gojyo's chopsticks reached for another shomai from Goku's plate but suddenly another set of chopsticks gripped Gojyo's preventing him from stealing the shomai. A frowning Gojyo looked up to find Hakkai smiling at him.   
  


"Gojyo" he stated calmly and kindly but in a steel voice "it is too early to provoke Goku and start a fight".  
  


It was only when Gojyo nodded in surrender and understanding did Hakkai let go of Gojyo's chopsticks. 

"I gratefully partake!" Hakkai said cheerfully before he started eating. 

Hakkai after eating his breakfast ordered another serving for Hakuryuu who was already in a jeep mode after that he left to feed his pet. 

Gojyo watched Hakkai's back feeling a bit guilty after noticing that he and Sanzo were avoiding each other's gaze. He should have protested with their room arrangement the other night but he thought that if those two would share a room then perhaps they can settle whatever had caused such tense silence between them. Gojyo sighed inwardly before discreetly eating his remaining breakfast quickly. 

He then went after Hakkai after stealing gyouza from Goku leaving the youngest shouting insults at him and when he ran out of insults he started shouting gory threats. 

When Gojyo reached Hakkai, the brown-haired demon was sitting under the tree with Hakuryuu by his side. The little white dragon had just started chewing the last bite of his food. 

"What happened last night?" Gojyo asked bluntly before lighting his cigarette. Hakkai smiled at him that made the other demon sighed.   
  
"Y'know it really pains me to see you eagerly giving an empty smile." 

Hakkai just kept on smiling "I had a bad dream Gojyo". 

In reply the redhead just snorted "You can fool that stomach-brained monkey but not me". 

Hakkai's smile faded as he sighed in surrender "Kana". 

It was all he said yet Gojyo understand everything clearly and perfectly. He wondered what pains him more to see Hakkai being hurt by Sanzo or to see him hurting because he was left alone by the woman he once loved. Sanzo was alive yet he didn't love his friend back. Kana loved Hakkai but she left him in this world. Ah~ Life can be so damned cruel.   
  
"Chi~ It seems you have shed too much tears for Kana" 

Hakkai stood up while Hakuryuu perched on his right shoulder "It's not enough. Sometimes I wish I had some kind of amnesia"  
  
"Hey that's not a good joke. You'll not only forget her but also us" then he went to Hakkai's side and draped his arm on Hakkai's shoulder with Hakuryuu whining as he lost his place. "I don't want you to forget me the great lover" he whispered flirtatiously on Hakkai's ear.  
  


Hakkai wrapped his arm around his friend's waist "How could I forget Gojyo the gods' gift to women and me?" he asked dramatically.  
  
Red eyes met green one and they both burst out laughing. 

From inside Sanzo watched the scene feeling jealous…really jealous. He watched as the two let go of each other and sat side by side under a big tree. Looking at the two chatting happily Sanzo knew that Gojyo would really take care of Hakkai and make him happy but still…. Hakkai would be better off with Gojyo yet…. Sanzo sighed inwardly. He was fighting an emotional battle, which he knew sooner or later he'll lose but he didn't want to be defeated without fighting. 

"Goku" Sanzo called out as he noticed that the boy was raising his hand with every intention of asking for another serving. "You have enough". Goku looked at his caretaker with huge puppy golden brown eyes "But Sanzo…" he trailed off the second he noticed the murderous look the older man was giving him. 

"It takes 2 nights and 3 days for us to arrive the next town" Hakkai announced cheerfully as he started the engine "so let us all be patient".  
Gojyo placed a hand on Hakkai's shoulder "When we arrive, let's take a stroll together you and me".  
"What? Why can't I join you?" Goku whined pulling Gojyo's hair. The red-haired covered Goku's face with his hand "It's a date you stupid monkey" he yelled.  
Sanzo watched discreetly as a bright smile appeared on Hakkai's face "I'll look forward to it Gojyo" Hakkai said before stepping on the accelerator. At that very moment Sanzo wanted to kill Gojyo in different ways and the only consolation he got is he was able to devise a lot of ways on how to kill Gojyo even if it was only in his mind. 

On their second night they just slept on the jeep unlike their first night where they put up a tent. A cold finger of moonlight caressed Sanzo's face as he stirred in his sleep murmuring inaudibly the name of a particular demon. Involuntarily his eyes opened halfway falling on Hakkai's empty seat. 

Empty!? 

Sanzo's eyes were wide open as soon as his brain registered the empty seat. Where did he go? He thought as he sat erectly. 

Hakkai was sitting on a grass-covered ground. He was leaning backward on his hands. His right leg stretched while the other was folded leisurely. His head slightly inclined as he looked at the stars that had grown so bright above the trees that Hakkai was so mesmerized that he didn't notice the man standing just few paces away from him. 

**~ FLASHBACK ~** _  
  
_

"Koryu… the true meaning of living is loving and being loved. Protect your treasures. Be strong so you can be a shield for someone in every way. That's the one of the true meanings of strength." Komyo with his eternal smile told his favorite disciple who was listening disinterestedly. "Loving is not to succumb to a weakness. When you felt so weak, you'll always find strength from the person you love"  
"Why are you telling me that? I don't need that" Koryu replied nonchalantly.  
Komyo smiled in understanding "Maybe you don't" then a pause as a speculative look flashed on his face "Maybe you do. No one can tell"  
  
**~ END OF FLASHBACK ~**  
  


Sanzo was only going to look for Hakkai but when that long forgotten memory flashed into his mind, all that have change. 

"What are you doing here?" Sanzo asked as he sat himself an arm's length away from Hakkai. If Hakkai was surprised of his presence, he didn't show it. In fact he didn't take his gaze away from the stars. 

"Just dreaming and waiting for a shooting star to appear so I can make an impossible wish" 

Sanzo inhaled deeply. "Hakkai" there was a slight purring in his voice. "About what I did to you the other night…" 

Hakkai's head snapped to his side to look at Sanzo with slight frown on his face. "You don't have to tell me Sanzo. I know you did that out of pity and sympathy. I never misunderstood the reasons behind your actions" he said tersely then his gaze went back to the sky. 

The monk looked at Hakkai dumbfounded with his mouth slightly opened. He tried to recall how did he act that night to make Hakkai believe that way. What he did the other night was not out of pity or sympathy. He was sure of that. Afraid that Hakkai walk out from him if ever he said another word. Sanzo did the first thing that came to his mind. He jerked Hakkai into his arms and kissed him passionately, making sure that Hakkai will know that what he did was caused not by pity but of some powerful emotion that Sanzo didn't want to feel but felt anyway. 

Hakkai went rigid in his arms. His eyes wide with surprise. He didn't know what to do, not that he was naïve with regards to intimate acts but hell this was Sanzo kissing him, the same man who told him cruelly that he'll never love him not now not ever. 

Sanzo broke the kiss and looked at Hakkai who was rendered speechless and motionless by his action. Sanzo hugged Hakkai tighter then he whispered fiercely to his ear "I lied to you. I actually love you. I love you always although most of the time it seems that I don't". 

Such confession from Sanzo broke Hakkai's stupor. "San…zo" was all he said as his arms went around Sanzo returning the embrace. And for the second time that night Sanzo kissed Hakkai who returned the kiss with ardor that matched the monk's. 

Minutes later they were sitting closely beside each other. Sanzo swear silently that he'll be strong for Hakkai so he can protect him… so he'll not lose him just as he lost his master. Hakkai's hand glided towards Sanzo's. Sanzo must have noticed it for he moved his hand to meet Hakkai's. 

"Sanzo" Hakkai muttered as their fingers were entwined "will you dream with me?"  
The monk looked at their entwined hands then at his face "Not only that. I'll build and live those dreams... together with you". 

Green eyes met purple ones. The Eternal love brimming in those beautiful jade eyes was made known by the stars while steady violet eyes stared back with the raw blazing love revealed by the moonlight. And in the depths of each other's eyes they realized that they have found a home in each other and there was a sense of serenity and security engulfing them slowly. 

"Welcome home" Sanzo muttered against Hakkai's soft petal lips before he kissed him again. 

Both of them unaware of the bright shooting star streaking in high speed across the midnight blue sky. Offsetting the brilliance of the stars on and along its path. The only proof of its existence was the dust left in its trail. But the two need not make a wish. For they already had what they were supposed to wish and more. 

**~ OWARI ~**

[January 15, 2003.] 


End file.
